


Bounce back with you

by herilaveur



Category: SKAM (Norway)
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-07-24
Updated: 2020-08-03
Packaged: 2021-03-04 22:27:43
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death
Chapters: 10
Words: 16,399
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25483927
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/herilaveur/pseuds/herilaveur
Summary: July 2016 - Isak learns that his twin sister has just died. He loses his footing completely and his family is shattered to pieces. He is hospitalized for depression and anorexia. He doesn't know how to continue to live without Lea.His hospital roommate, Even, seems to be as badly off as he is. And yet one day Even seems to get better. Will he be able to help lsak get better too?---A sad and difficult story, from Isak's point of view, but which will also have sweet moments and a happy ending.Updated every day.
Relationships: Even Bech Næsheim & Isak Valtersen, Even Bech Næsheim/Isak Valtersen
Comments: 69
Kudos: 124





	1. When the impossible happens

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I couldn't stand not knowing who Léa is... so in my fic, Léa is Isak's twin sister. She was sent by their father to a boarding school after she got into trouble (I base it on the sentence ''You're not going to be a slut like Léa - from season 1.).
> 
> Usually I only write Skam France fics because I'm French. So I hope you won't mind if I'm wrong about life in Norway.

Isak looks at his mother. She's sitting on the floor with her head in her hands and she's crying so hard that her whole body is shaking. He stops immediately and shakes his head. No, that's not possible. His father raises his head towards him and nods gently. 

It's as if the ground opens under Isak's feet. If he could disappear now he would, because the pain is far too difficult. He no longer sees his parents because the tears are blurring his vision. He no longer sees the hospital corridors. He closes his eyes and starts screaming as he falls to his knees. 

That can't be true. She can't be died. Twins are supposed to be connected by an invisible link. He would have felt it if she was dead. That can't be true. She couldn't have done this. She couldn't just leave him like that.

Arms around him and he knows it's Jonas because he can smell the grass on him and he immediately pushes him away. How could they have fun when his sister was dying? He smoked and drank with his friends while his twin was dying and the thought of this makes him want to vomit. He should have been there for her. If he had been with her, he might have stopped her from taking so many drugs. He would've seen that she was overdosing. Maybe he could have saved her.

Jonas tries to touch him, but Isak walks away and he vomit in the first trash can he finds.

"Isak."

His father's voice startled him. He wipes his mouth with the back of his sleeve and raises his head.

"You must be a man, lsak. Your mother suffers enough, she mustn't see you like this. Don't be childish."

Isak looks at this man he no longer knows and bursts into tears. It was his fucking twin sister. It was half of him. He pushes him, join his mother and throws himself against her, their tears mingle as she clings to him as if her life depended on it. 

After that, it's as if lsak floats next to her body. He moves, does what he's told to do, but he doesn't feel anything anymore. He can't sleep. He can't eat. He can't think. He doesn't even know how he can breathe anymore.

Jonas is helping him get dressed for the ceremony. And as soon as he walks into the church, in the middle of his parents, he knows he won't be able to do it. He can't see anything but his face. He had to see her. He had to say goodbye. He had to see that it was real. And that's all he's seen since then. His sister. His twin. His half. She was so beautiful. Like asleep. Like when he walked past her bedroom door and just stopped to look at her. Like all the times he woke up next to her and watched her sleep. He remembers all the times he woke up in his sister's bed, not remembering coming. She laughed as she hugged him when she woke up.

_"We lived together for 9 months, it's normal that we like to sleep together."_

Isak realizes that she will never tell him again and he bursts into tears. They didn't even walk halfway through the church. His mother slips her hand into his, holding her handkerchief in front of her mouth to stifle her own sobs.

''Isak, pull yourself together. Everyone's looking at us."

_"Never let our father hurt you with his words, lsak. Don't listen to him, he's a jerk, he's not worthy of your love."_

She was so right.

lsak is huddled up with his mother. He doesn't really know who supports the other. They almost fall on the bench when they sit down. Isak feels a hand resting on his shoulder and he knows his friends are behind him but he can't raise his head to look at them. 

He listens to the priest say that Lea is going to the house of God and that she will be waiting for them. 

Isak wants to scream. He can't believe that a God allowed his sister to die. Why didn't God, if he exists, stop him from doing that? Why did he make him believe she was one too many on this fucking Earth? Why did he let people destroy her like that?

''Lea will forever remain in our hearts. She's gone far too soon, but we know she is at peace in the kingdom of God."

Isak feels the anger bubbling inside him. He wants to scream and run away, but he doesn't move. He must be there for his mother. She bends over and puts her head on his shoulder, clutching his hand a little more, as if she feels she must hold him. 

Then Isak won't move. He's not listening anymore. He no longer exists. His body is there but his spirit is dead. He walks up the alley but he no longer cries. He watches the coffin go down to the ground but he doesn't feel anything anymore. He watches people fill his house. He doesn't even feel hatred when he hears someone laughing. He is dead. He should have died with her anyway. Four minutes after she did.

_''I swear, Isak, I'm your big sister! I'll always be older than you."_

_''Lea, you're just 4 minutes older than me, you're not older than me, we're the same age!''_

_''So, I'll always be four minutes ahead of you, my big baby. I've lived four minutes on Earth without you. To be fair, I should die four minutes before you."_

Jonas takes him in his arms and lsak feels nothing.

He lies down on his bed without even undressing and closes his eyes. He doesn't realise the days are passing by. He doesn't have the energy to get up. So he stays on his bed with his eyes closed, even when he doesn't sleep.

His father tries to get him out of bed and then gives up. Jonas tries to make him drink soup but Isak can't swallow.

''lsak, you can't go on like this.''

Isak opens his eyes to look at him and Jonas starts to cry.

''Don't leave us, Isak. Come back."

Isak closes his eyes and they fill with tears. He wasn't so lucky. He couldn't tell him to come back. He can't look at Jonas anymore and see that he's breaking his heart. So he goes back to sleep.

_''Isak, why the fuck did you make me watch that movie? How do you want me to sleep now? I'm scared to death. You have to sleep with me. Just stay one night, please. I don't like sleeping alone. I need you, Isak, you're my half."_

_"We're 14, Lea! We're too old to sleep together, Dad said so!"_

_''Dad's a jerk ! He doesn't even know us, lsak. I slept with you for nine months, I don't see why I can't anymore. I need you, Isak, please sleep with me. It's only in your arms that I'm never afraid. I know you will always protect me. Come, stop being prayed to and come to sleep."_

Isak sits so fast in bed that his head spins. He wears a T-shirt and boxers. The house is completely silent. He gets up and goes to her room. He pushes the door open and his heart stops when he sees a figure lying in her bed. He comes running towards her and stops when he realizes it is his mother. He immediately sees the empty medicine box on the floor. He starts screaming and jumps at the sound of his voice, which he hasn't heard for days. Maybe weeks. He doesn't know. His father's not coming. Isak picks up the phone and calls for help. 

He takes his mother in his arms and starts crying and hugs her. As soon as the light from the ambulance breaks the night, he rushes down the stairs. He opens the door for the paramedics and everything around him turns black. He feels his forehead hitting the ground and he lets himself be swallowed up by the darkness.


	2. When we understand each other

When Isak opens his eyes, he is blinded by the light and the white walls, so he closes them again with a groan. He takes a slight breath and the events come back to him. He reopens his eyes and discovers that he is in a hospital room. 

He sits down and pushes the blankets back to the foot of the bed, discovering that he is wearing a hospital gown. He staggers to his feet and opens the room door. A nurse comes immediately to him and helps him to stand up.

''My mother, she is."

''She's all right.'' says the nurse softly. ''She's in the hospital two floors up. It's all right, Isak. Come back to bed."

Isak shakes his head. 

''No, I must see her."

"She needs rest and so do you. You must heal before you take care of her, lsak."

The nurse brings him back to his bed and lsak sits down, pushing a lock of his hair from his forehead.

"I'm not sick."

The nurse gives him a sorry look and waves to him not to move.

''Your father left a few hours ago, but I'll let him know you're awake. The doctor will be in to see you."

And indeed, a few minutes later, a doctor in a white coat walks in the door to his room. He must be about 30 years old. His blond hair makes him look more like a surfer than a doctor.

''Isak? Do you know what day it is?"

Isak thinks and shrugs his shoulders.

''Thursday. Friday?"

The doctor sighs softly.

"What's the date?"

Isak closes his eyes. His sister died on July 16. He can never forget that date. Did she choose this date for a strange reason or is it a coincidence? Did she really want to kill herself or did she just want to forget? Isak wants to kill everyone who dared to insult her and give her such a bad image of herself. He wants to kill his father who sent her to boarding school far from home. He wants to kill himself for not seeing that she needed him. She needed him, and he wasn't fucking there.

''Isak?''

Isak's startled. He forgot he had to answer. He shrugs his shoulders.

''July 22nd? Or 23rd.''

The doctor sits next to lsak on the bed and just like that he knows he answered wrong.

''It is August 7, lsak. Your father says you can't get back on your feet since your sister died. We're here to help you."

Isak shakes his head and crosses his arms over his chest.

''I am well. I want to see my mom."

The doctor gets up and waves to the nurse who was waiting at the door.

''If you eat what's on that tray, I'll take you there myself, right after.''

Isak sighs and looks at the tray. There's a bowl of milk, a bun, butter and applesauce. Nothing too extravagant. Isak wants to see his mother. He really wants to hug her but a huge ball is blocking his throat. He feels his stomach turning just at the thought of eating so he shakes his head.

"I can't."

The doctor sighs.

"You weigh 47 kilos, lsak. We must make you gain weight. The psychologist will come to see you. Anorexia is"

"I'm not anorexic." Isak grunts.

The doctor looks at him, raising an eyebrow.

''Oh? What do you call it then?"

Isak wants to tell him that he died inside at the same time as Lea. He wants to tell him he can't eat, because his sadness twists his stomach. He's not anorexic. He's just half of himself, that's all.

But he says nothing and lies down on the bed to fix the ceiling.

He doesn't say anything either when the psychologist comes to talk to him. 

He doesn't say anything when his father comes to see him and tells him that he can't stay here anymore and that he's selling the family home because he's leaving Oslo. 

He doesn't say anything when his father tells him that he has got a place in a special institute for his mother. For years his father had been saying that his mother's schizophrenia was getting worse, it was certain that one day he would end up abandoning them.

He says nothing when the nurse tells him that Jonas has called and that he could see him if he makes the effort to eat. 

He doesn't say anything when the doctor gives him a gastric tube because he refuses to eat. He cries but doesn't say anything. 

He doesn't say anything that the psychologist comes back, day after day.

He doesn't say anything when they put him on the phone and he hears Jonah, Madhi and Magnus. He recognizes their voices but doesn't even listen to what they say. It's too hard to hear so much sadness and worry in their voices and to know that it's his fault that they are like that. 

He doesn't say anything when he looks in the mirror and doesn't recognize himself. 

He doesn't say anything when morning and evening, the nurses come to hook up his gastric tube and he feels like he's being force-fed.

He doesn't say anything when they tell him there's going to be another boy in his room. 

The nurse comes back an hour later and guides a guy to the bed next to Isak's bed. Isak looks at him. The guy looks as miserable as he does. He has large purple circles under his eyes and seems to have so much trouble standing upright that he almost looks like he's bent in half. Isak finds himself thinking that he is so tall that it must be even harder for him to stand up straight.

The guy lies down on the bed and Isak starts staring at the ceiling again.

''Isak, this is Even.'' said the nurse as she stood between their beds. ''Even, this is Isak. Well, it's late, so don't talk too long, guys."

Isak doesn't even bother to look at her. Her joke really sucks.

He doesn't sleep at night. He can't. He can't stand to hear that guy's jerky breathing. It reminds him too much of the nights he used to sleep with Lea. He'd almost forgotten what it felt like to sleep in the same room with someone else. And it hurts to remember that that presence will never be Lea again.

The sun's rays intensify and the room is bathed in soft light. Isak turns on his side. Even is lying in the same position as him and looks at him. Is he looking at him or is he staring at a dot in front of him? Isak isn't really sure. 

And anyway it doesn't really matter, Isak doesn't really look at him, he just keeps his eyes open because as soon as he closes them, he panics. So he stares at the blue eyes that look at him too. Do they blink? Isak isn't really sure. The only thing he is sure of is that Even seems to have as much trouble as he does just breathing. 

They spend long moments like this, staring at each other, without any reaction, struggling to breathe properly. And knowing that he's not the only one who suffers so much soothes him a little. 

Isak still says nothing. He gets up to take a shower when he is told, goes to the toilet and then comes back to bed in front of Even. They stare at each other until one of them falls asleep. Sometimes, when Isak wakes up from a sleep that doesn't really have one, since he always has this feeling that he never really sleeps, Even stares at him. He doesn't smile, he just stares at him. And lsak does the same. 

Isak still doesn't say anything when his father enters his room visibly upset and forces him to sit down.

''Isak! Now you stop it! You've been here for 16 days and you don't make any effort. That's enough, lsak, you have to think about the others. Your mother is leaving the hospital in four days to go to the institution. If you don't eat, you won't be allowed to see her before she leaves. Is that what you want? You want to break her heart again by refusing to see her? Stop acting like a child and answer me, lsak. Don't you think we've already suffered enough because of your sister's bullshit?"

Isak lets go of a huge sob and hides his face in his hands. The emergency bell in their room rings and two nurses come running in, heading for Even's bed.

''Even? Why did you ring the bell?"

Even doesn't say anything but makes a slight head movement, showing Isak and one of the nurses immediately approaches him, putting her hand on his shoulder.

''M. Valtersen, I think it would be better to let lsak rest.''

Isak nods softly and the nurse drags his father to the door. Isak lies back in his bed, drying his tears and turns to watch Even. His face has changed. He's no longer emotionless. He no longer looks absent, he looks worried.

''Thank you.''

Isak has a sore throat and the sound of his voice scares him but Even smiles at him and that's enough to make him want to do it again.

''Thank you very much, Even.''


	3. When one of them seems to get better

The next morning, Even sits down and eats what's on the tray that the nurse has just brought him. And Isak watches him do it, without believing it. It seems so easy for him.  
  
''That's good, Even.'' She says before coming next to Isak. ''Is there something you want, lsak?''  
  
Isak closes his eyes and shakes his head, as he does every morning, so the nurse connects his gastric tube. He wonders if one morning he will wake up and be able to eat again. Will one day he won't have this unbearable pain inside him anymore? He's pretty sure that won't happen.  
  
Every time he reopens his eyes, Even looks better and Isak feels even worse. Why does he get better when Isak doesn't? The psychologist says he's stuck in stage 4: sadness. Since Isak refuses to talk, she showed him the different stages of mourning. Isak knows he's not stuck at stage 4. He's devastated, it's not the same. There's no diagram to illustrate that. Actually, there is: Chernobyl is a good illustration of how Isak feels deep down inside.  
  
It's becoming difficult to watch Even. So Isak spends a long time in the afternoon with his eyes closed. Maybe he falls asleep, he doesn't really know. When he opens his eyes, Even isn't in bed anymore. And tears flow on Isak's cheeks before he even realizes he's crying. They've been sharing their room for 6 days now and Isak had gotten used to his reassuring presence. He doesn't want to be alone. He won't be able to bear the silence any longer.  
  
A hand rests on his shoulder and he jumps when he turns around. Even smiles at him and Isak starts to cry even harder.  
  
"Do you want me to call a nurse?"  
  
Isak shakes his head.  
  
''Okay. Can I help you?"  
  
Isak shrugs his shoulders. He doesn't know. He doesn't even know what he needs. He doesn't know what he can do to get better. He doesn't know if he really wants to get better. He knows he can never get better.  
  
''Hey, it's okay. Does it help if I talk?"  
  
Isak shrugs his shoulders again and Even sits on the edge of his bed. He talks, but lsak doesn't really listen to what he's saying. He listens more to the sound of his voice. And he can't help wondering how Even manages to look so good? Yesterday he was totally absent, and now he's talking without ever stopping, while gently rubbing circles on Isak's shoulder.  
  
''We're bored here. Honestly, we could at least get a TV. We don't even have a radio. I miss listening to music. I want music! Hell, yeah, we need some music!"  
  
Even gets up and walks out of the room. In the silence of the room, Isak realizes he's breathing more calmly. Even comes back less than five minutes later, a radio player hidden under his sweater.  
  
''If the nurses ask you, you have no idea how their radio got into our room, Ok?''  
  
Isak nods his head and Even smiles back at him before turning the set on. He goes through various radio stations and then stops, a huge smile on his face before turning the volume up. And even though there are only a few notes, Isak recognises the song and he can't help smiling. It pulls on the tape holding his stomach tube in place and only then does he realise that he hasn't smiled since he was put down. He sits down and watches Even stand up on his bed and start singing.  
  
 _I have big plans to get myself off the sofa, big plans to go out in the fresh air._  
  
Even mumbles the rest of the lyrics more than he sings them, punctuating the whole thing with "Oh!", but he acts like he's a rock star at a concert. This scene just seems unreal. Yesterday Even didn't say a word, and today he's dancing on his bed singing.  
  
 _So, if you were a song, I would write you and sing you all night._  
  
Even jumps on his bed and hits the ceiling. Isak bursts out laughing and puts a hand over his mouth, shocked to hear this sound, while the nurse who has just entered their room, hands over her ears, cuts off the music.  
  
"Hey!" complains Even, jumping from the bed to the floor "We weren't doing anything wrong. Didn't anyone ever tell you that music heals wounds?"  
  
The nurse looks at him and then at Isak, who still has his hand over his mouth, and puts the music back on, but much, much quieter. Even nods his head, visibly satisfied, and waits for the nurse to come out and sit on Isak's bed.  
  
''I like your laugh.''  
  
Isak doesn't even have time to deal with that. Even is already moving the furniture around the room. He carries his bedside table to the end of the room and then pushes his bed closer to Isak's bed, reducing the space between the two beds. He sits on his bed and his knees touch those of Isak, his legs dangling in the void between Isak's legs.

''So you've only been here 17 days, then? I thought you were a regular. How come they don't make you come out of that room? Don't you miss going out? Where would you go if you could get out? Like, you could teleport, where would you go?"

If they weren't in a hospital, Isak would think Even's on drugs. He talks too fast and asks too many questions. Just listening to him makes Isak tired and sighs. Maybe if he answers him, Even will calm down a bit.

''Right outside. I miss the sun burning my skin and the wind blowing."

Even nods his head and seems to think and then he suddenly gets up. He leaves the room and Isak expects him to come back, but after ten minutes, he sighs. He gets up but his head is spinning so he sits down on the edge of his bed. 

He's about to get up when Even reappears, a huge smile on his face. He smiles so much that Isak notices how sharp his canines are. Isak is surprised to think he likes it, and it sends him a lot of contradictory feelings.

Even closes the door of their room, revealing a fan he was hiding behind his back. He puts it on his bed, moves Isak's table to the armchair in front of the window and then takes the fan and puts it on top.

''Come on, Isak, come and enjoy the sunshine. We can't open the windows, but I've found you some wind."

Isak smiles as he gets up. Even's totally unbelievable. This time his head doesn't turn, and he's almost at chair level when he stumbles. Even catches him and squeezes him so tight that it hurts Isak, who lets out a cry of pain.

''Damn it. I'm sorry, Isak. I didn't mean to hurt you."

Isak opens his mouth to answer, but the doctor makes them jump.

''Even! Let him go! What the hell is going on here?"

Even lets go of lsak who sits in the armchair while the doctor pushes the bedside table left in the middle of the passage to join them.

''Isak wanted sun and wind. I just want to help him."

The doctor pinches his nose and puts his hand on Even's shoulder.

''In my office, Even. Now. Wait for me in the hallway."

Isak looks at Even as he comes out smiling, as if nothing can ever stop him from smiling.

''Are you OK, Isak? I'm sorry. We'll move him to another room."

"No!"

The doctor widens his eyes and steps back in surprise and Isak realises he hasn't heard him speak since the day he arrived. Isak opens his mouth then closes it again.

''Ok, Even stays there if it suits you. Do you want to tell me something, lsak?''

Isak shrugs his shoulders and crosses Even's eyes as he waits at the door.

''Thank you.''

He doesn't really know if he's saying thank you to Even or to the doctor. But since both are nodding their heads, he assumes it's enough.

Even comes back an hour later, at the same time as the distribution of the evening meal trays. He's still smiling but he's much calmer. He eats in silence and Isak looks at him, trying not to think about all the food being injected through the tube. A nurse came to put the furniture back in its place and to move Even's bed away again. Isak didn't protest, but he can't help wondering why it bothered them. The radio and the fan disappeared, leaving the room silent and sad.

''Your parents are here, Even.'' says the nurse as she takes him tray away, ''Do you want to see them?''

Even shakes his head and lies down on his bed with a sad face.

''No. I can't.''

The nurse sighs as she gets closer to him.

''Your girlfriend is there too. They just want to see you, Even. They're not mad at you, you know."

Even shakes his head and puts his sheet over his head. And if the nurse probably thinks it's childish, Isak understands. Even wants to hide from the outside world. So does lsak. 

''She's not my fucking girlfriend anymore! Leave me alone!"

The nurse leaves, but Even doesn't move. Isak wonders if he fell asleep but a sob sounds and Isak gets up without thinking. He's pulled back when the tube of his gastric tube blocks him and he stops halfway through, making a plaintive moan. 

''Fuck, Even, I'm sorry, I can't come to you.''

Even gently pulls his head out from under the sheets, wiping away his tears and smiles at him. Even gets up quietly and joins Isak, still standing in the middle of the room. Isak fixes his blue eyes before pushing a lock of hair from Even's forehead. Even surrounds him with his arms and puts his head on his shoulder.

"Sometimes I fall" Even whispers "and I feel like I'll never get up again. And sometimes I feel so good that I feel like I can do anything. And it wears me out, swinging like this between depression and euphoria."

Isak nods his head.

''The worst part'' continues Even ''is that I know I'll be like this for the rest of my life. Of course, they'll find a cure, but I know that all my life I'll have to fight this fucking disease. Just like you."

Isak shakes his head as he sits back down in bed.

"I'm not sick!"

Even sits next to him and keeps staring at him.

"Why don't you eat then? Why are you here?"

That doesn't sound like a judgement, that really sounds like a question. As if Even can't understand that.

''I can't.''

Isak sighs. Clearly that's not a good enough answer. But Even nods and puts his hand on his.

''Okay.''

They stay like this for a few minutes, before Even gets up, and goes to lie on his bed, staring at the ceiling. Silence fills the room and only the sound of the pump that feeds Isak. Isak closes his eyes before taking a light breath.

''I'm here because my twin sister died of an overdose and I died with her.''

It's the first time Isak says it out loud. And he bursts into tears.

He immediately feels Even's hands on him. Even wraps it all around him, gently caressing his back, and it gives him a feeling of security. Even doesn't say anything, he just stands there and that's enough. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Even's music is Nattergal by Gabrielle
> 
> https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xmafx55Ylnk


	4. When everything is possible

The next day, Isak comes out of the room for the first time since his arrival. All the doctors come to give him his consultations in the room, while Even leaves for his consultations, because they judge that Isak is too fragile to be moved to the different offices. Isak doesn't know if they are talking about his physical or mental weakness and frankly he doesn't want to know. 

It's really painful to walk in the corridors. It hurts everywhere. So he sits on one of the many chairs along the corridor. 

''I swear, if you want our plan to work, you'll have to get used to walking again, lsak. Come, you can do this, I'll help you."

Isak puts his feet on the ground and gets back on his feet. Even's hands support him, but his head starts to spin so he sits down.

''I can't.''

Even stands in front of him and looks at him determined.

''Do you want to see your mother?''

Isak nods his head. He really wants to. He wants to be able to take her in his arms before she leaves. Even offered to help him with that and came up with their plan, mixing scenarios from different films. It looks so easy when Even tells him how they're going to do it that Isak really wants it to happen. But he's not sure he can do it.

''Okay. Then I'll help you. Come on, you can do it, lsak."

Even pulls him and lsak feels like he can't even walk.

''I know it hurts all over but try to walk at least to the end of the corridor."

Isak stumbles on his own feet at least twice, but he reaches the end of the corridor, breathless and shaking.

''OK, Issy, I'm proud of you. Come on, let's do it again."

Isak freezes when he hears it and looks at Even. But Even smiles at him, patiently waiting for Isak to start walking, not realising the impact of this nickname on Isak. Even supports him less and less and at the 3rd round trip, Isak ends up thinking that maybe it could work. 

''Even, Isak! What are you doing in the corridor!"

Isak looks at the nurse who calls them and shrugs his shoulders.

''Isak wanted to walk. Do we need a pass to walk down the fucking corridor? Do we have to ask permission first or do we just stay locked in our room and hope we don't go crazy?''

Isak puts his hand on Even's shoulder and he seems to calm down immediately. The nurse looks at Even with a frown and then smiles at Isak.

''That's good, Isak, but don't force yourself, you must regain strength. Even, the therapist has been waiting for you for 10 minutes.''

Even takes lsak back to their room before he leaves for his appointment. And meanwhile, the psychologist comes to try to get lsak to talk. But like every other day when she comes to see him, words get stuck in Isak's throat and he bursts into tears as soon as he tries to talk about Lea.

''You're making great strides, lsak, we're all proud of you. The nurse told me you went for a walk with Even. Do you want to tell me about him?"

Isak shrugs his shoulders, wiping away his tears.

"Lea would say he's a guardian angel."

Isak bursts into tears again, hiding his face in his hands and closes his eyes. 

_''I swear, Isak! Guardian angels do exist. They're sent to Earth when we're at our worst to help us get better. This person will watch over you, guide and protect you."_

_Isak had burst out laughing before he began to shout._

_"Mommy! Lea is trying to make me believe that angels exist! I'm 6 years old, I'm old enough to know that's impossible."_

_He still sees his mother sitting next to them smiling and hugging them before kissing them._

_''They exist, Isak. I've had them in my life for 6 years and I love them with all my heart. Without my two little angels, I wouldn't be as strong to fight my disease."_

_Isak sees himself hugging his mother as tightly as he can while his sister jumps around shouting for joy._

_''I am an angel! I'm an angel! I'm an angel!"_

''Isak? Isak?"

Isak reopens his eyes and Even looks at him smiling. 

''Were you sleeping? Shit, sorry, I thought you were faking it so you wouldn't talk to your shrink."

Isak smiles as he rubs his eyes.

''No. I think I fell asleep in the middle of the session.''

Even bursts out laughing as he sits on lsak's bed.

''I'm sure you're the kind of guy who falls asleep in front of movies! Oh God, and I thought we could be friends. ''

Even is so theatrical that Isak smiles at him while nodding his head.

''Yeah, that happens to me a lot, that's true. Sorry.''

Even gets up, pushes away his bedside table and moves his bed, this time sticking it completely to Isak's, leaving no space between them. He lies on top of it, turning to the side to look at Isak.

''What kind of films do you like?''

Isak turns on his side to face him.

''I don't know. A bit of everything. I don't really have a favorite genre."

Even raises an eyebrow, like it's impossible to believe.

"Favorite actor?"

"Leonardo Dicaprio."

Even chuckles and then looks at Isak's upset face.

''No? Really?"

Isak pushes back a strand of his hair from in front of his eyes as his face lights up.

"Yeah! Like, did you see him on Titanic? Romeo + Juliet? Rebel Wedding? Rimbaud and Verlaine? He's so amazing.''

Even chuckles again.

''I love Romeo+ Juliet, but only because Baz Luhrmann is my favourite director. Ok, so you like love films, then.''

Isak feels his breathing accelerating and Even has to hear it because he puts his hand on lsak's hand, between the two of them.

''She's the one who loved them, right? What was her name?"

Isak takes a breath and closes his eyes. Even caresses the top of his hand gently with his thumb.

"Lea."

lsak's voice trembles, but he opens his eyes again. Even looks at him and his eyes are so full of kindness that lsak gets goosebumps.

''If you could say one thing to Lea, what would it be?'' Even whispers. 

Isak doesn't need to think about that. He closes his eyes and finds himself sitting on his couch next to Lea, his eyes full of tears and the box of handkerchiefs to hand.

''I don't like the world I live in anymore! I feel like I'm in a room full of people and no matter how much I scream like a madman, there's no one who cares about me!''

''Titanic!'' Even whispers, visibly surprised. ''It's beautiful."

Isak nods his head while shaking Even's hand in his own.

''I see you know your classics too, if you can recognize a simple quote like that. Titanic, it's our favorite movie, actually. It was.''

Isak bursts into tears again, putting his face in his hands. He can't imagine himself next to Lea anymore. And the truth hits him again, making him want to vomit. He'll never be next to Lea again to watch their fucking favorite movie.

" It's, lsak." Even says softly, wiping away his tears. "It will always be that way. It may not always be your favorite movie, but it'll always be you and your sister's favorite movie. You don't have to forget that, you know. And what would she say to you?"

Isak sighed and giggled, seeing her sister's face with her big mocking smile.

''She would have said: It's a line from Rose, Isak! Just for that, you're definitely gay!"

Isak widens his eyes and feels his breathing accelerating. He can't believe he just said that. But Even smiles at him and gently strokes his cheek.

''She looked like she didn't have her tongue in her pocket. I love it!"

Isak nods, feeling his breath calming down.

''When we were kids, she always spoke for me. My father hated it. He kept telling Lea that she should let me speak for myself, but I was Ok with it, and Lea knew that, so she kept doing it. My mom, it made her laugh. She said Leah's the one who talks and I'm the one who hugs."

Even nods his head and moves on Isak's bed to take him in his arms and hug him gently.

"Thank you for telling me all this, lsak." Even whispers "but it's not true, you know. I can hear you screaming, you know. You're feeling alone, but you're not alone, Issy.''

Isak hugs him a little harder and they hold each other for a while, then suddenly Even sits on the bed, crossing his legs underneath him.

"Shall we go over our plan again?"

When they walk out the door of their room the next night, after the night shift, Isak still has some doubts about Even's plan, but Even seems so sure of himself that he thinks it might work. 

''Ok. We wait for the nurses to move from room to room, and we'll have less than two minutes to get across the hall.''

Isak nods his head and puts his hood over his head while Even does the same thing. They know it won't make them invisible, but it makes them feel like they're hidden from the outside world.

"Now!''

Even pulls Isak by the hand and they cross the corridor, reaching the fire escape door. Even takes the key out of his pocket and unlocks the door before gently pushing Isak into the stairwell and closing behind them. 

Isak clings to the railing and starts to climb.

''How did you get the key?''

Isak didn't even think the door would be locked.

''I asked the doctor.'' Even says before laughing ''I stole it from the nurses' office. How else would I get it?''

Isak shrugs his shoulders.

''I don't know. Why are you doing this for me?"

That question has been burning on his lips ever since Even brought him the fan. Even shrugs his shoulders, looking at him out of the corner of his eye.

"I don't know. Maybe because I'm the only one who can hear you scream when you think no one else does. Maybe because I like to see you smile and I think you deserve to smile more. Maybe it's because when I help you I feel like I'm good for something and I'm not completely useless."

Isak nods his head and they reach the landing. 

''One more, lsak. We're going to do it."

Isak feels his strength leaving him, but he keeps going up. It's his last chance to see his mother before he's transferred. And yet he finally stops, completely out of breath.

''Come on, Issy, you can do it.'' Even says softly, slipping his hand into his own. ''You're not alone, Isak. We'll do it together."

They stop on the landing and Even open the door slowly. 

"It's okay, let's go."

Isak nods his head. He knows his mother's in room 403 because his father told him the first time he came to see him. They stop in front of the room door and Isak feels like he's trembling his whole body.

''Go ahead, I'll wait for you here if you want.''

Isak nods his head and opens the door. He immediately sees his mother sleeping on his bed. Even pushes him into the room and closes the door.

"What are you doing here?"

Isak freezes when he hears the nurse's voice.

"What?" replies Even, lazing innocently, "Where am I? I was looking for the toilet, I got lost. I'm in room 206. Do you know where is the room 206?"

lsak doesn't move, even if he hears the footsteps in the hallway going away. He waits until it's really quiet before he wakes his mother.

"My lsak." she whispers as she strokes his cheek "I knew you would come. I'm sorry, my angel, I am"

''I'm sorry, too, Mommy.'' Isak says with tears in his eyes as he crawls into bed, while his mother wraps her arms around him.

''I know, Issy. I know. We're both going to get better. I want to get better for you. You have to get better for me, angel. I love you so much, I'm so sorry, I didn't mean to leave you."

They hold each other close, whispering words of love, and for once Isak falls into a deep sleep. He's woken up by the nurses, really angry to find him there, who take him back to his room. 

It is 3:30 in the morning, but Even is waiting for him, sitting on his bed, looking worried.

''Are you all right?''

Isak nods his head.

''Yes. Thank you, Even. Really.''

Isak lies in his bed, regretting that the nurses have separated their beds again, but he falls asleep almost immediately. And when he wakes up, he really feels like he's slept well. He opens his eyes and is startled when he sees Even's face right next to him. Even tightens his grip around his shoulders, preventing him from falling.

''Go back to sleep, lsak.''

Isak looks at his bed, empty at the other end of the room, and starts crying.

_I swear you come to my bed on your own, lsak. You're like a sleepwalker except you only do it to come and sleep with the person you love the most on Earth._

Isak never wanted to believe his sister that she was telling him that. He always believed that she came to get him in bed. Even he gently strokes his cheek, wiping away his tears, before kissing his forehead.

''It's all right, Isak. I'm here. You can sleep."

Isak nods his head and puts it against Even's chest, closing his eyes.


	5. When it's too hard

When he wakes up, Even looks at him and plays with his hair.

''Good morning.''

Isak tries to smile at him, but because of his probe, it must look like a grimace.

''Hi...uh...sorry.''

Even tightens his grip around him.

''I'm not sorry. I've never slept better than I did last night."

Isak can't take his eyes off Even's blue eyes. Even's gaze falls on his lips for a few seconds before returning to his eyes. Even bends over gently and Isak doesn't do anything to stop him. He wants it too. Even's lips gently touch his own. It's soft and comforting. It makes him feel like his brain stops thinking for a few minutes. 

The door to their room opens and Isak jumps out of the bed so quickly that he loses his balance and ends up on his ass in the middle of the room.

''Oh Isak, what happened?'' asks the nurse as she lifts him up.

''Nothing. I wanted to go to the bathroom, I got up too fast. I'm all right."

He does what he's been avoiding since he's been here: he looks at his reflection in the bathroom mirror, but he doesn't recognize himself. It's amazing his mother even recognised him, he's changed so much. He was never fat, but now he's scary to look at. Lea would be afraid of him, that's for sure. She wouldn't mind making fun of that bandage sticking out of his nose, holding the probe in place. He knows exactly what she'd say.

_''We were in the incubator for a month, feeding tubes, you want to go through that again, you big baby?"_

And then she'd start laughing.

_''You just kissed a guy for the first time in your life and you've got a fucking catheter sticking out of your nose! He must have really wanted to kiss you to be able to accept that."_

lsak's choking a sob. He'll never be able to talk about that first kiss with his sister. She told him in detail about the first time she kissed a boy. She was the only one who knew that Isak also liked boys. It was even she who told him about it, without him having to tell her.

_''One more thing we have in common, little brother. As long as you don't steal my boyfriend, we're cool."_

The nurse knocks on the door and lsak comes out of the bathroom, wiping the tears from his eyes.

"Isak."

Even's voice is worried so lsak tries to smile at him.

''I'm fine.''

"Do you want to eat lsak?" the nurse asks as she does every morning.

Instead of shaking his head and closing his eyes, Isak shrugs his shoulders.

"I don't know."

The nurse stops, surprised and comes next to him.

''Tell me what you want, lsak. Anything."

Isak shrugs his shoulders and closes his eyes. He doesn't know. 

''What did you eat at home before?''

Before. It puts a huge dagger in Isak's heart. He shakes his head, holding back his sobs with great sorrow. The nurse touches his forearm, but Isak takes it off.

''Plug me in, so we can get it over, please.''

The nurse sighs but starts the feeding pump.

''Maybe tomorrow, Isak.''

Isak nods his head but doesn't look at the nurse or Even. He just looks out the window, disappointed in himself. If his mother tries to get better, he must do the same. He doesn't want to leave her alone either. He needs to get better but he doesn't know how to do it. 

"Isak."

Isak sighs but doesn't turn around to watch Even. He just sits with his arms folded over his chest and closes his eyes. He opens them again when he feels Even's arm go around his shoulders.

''It's all right, Issy. You'll make it."

Isak shakes his head, tears flowing uninvited. Even sits down beside him and lsak lays his head gently against his shoulder.

''I don't know how to do it, Even. I shouldn't be here anymore. I should be dead. I'm dead.''

Even shakes his head and then pinches Isak so hard that he screams and pushes him away and Even almost falls off the bed.

''You're not dead, lsak, and if I have to pinch you every day to make you feel alive, I will. No one here can know how you feel, and I don't know what your sister would say if she saw you, but I know what Jack would say."

Isak rubs his forearm where Even pinched it, but looks up at Even.

''He'd say : _You're going to get out of this, you're going to live a long time, and you're going to make lots of babies, and you're going to see them grow. You're gonna die a very, very old man. An old man in a warm bed._ "

Isak sobs as he hugs Even.

''Lea would have said that too, but she would have kept the real line, you know, she would have called me _old lady_ , and she would have laughed."

''Tell me about her.'' asks Even softly, stroking Isak's cheek.

''She was everything I'm not: reckless, strong-minded and always said what she was thinking out loud. It got her in trouble in high school and my father sent her to a private boarding school. She hated going there. I would never forgive her for sending him there. She came home in early June with the marks of a fight on her face. She never wanted to tell me what happened, but they sent her away. After that, my father spent days talking to her like crap, telling her she was as crazy as our mother. And then on our anniversary, he pretended she didn't exist. And he never stopped after that. He acted like she never existed."

''Your dad's a real asshole.''

Isak nodded his head.

''Yeah. I know. We wanted to leave, you know. We would've left home if my mom didn't need us. But we couldn't leave her. Jonas told me he saw my sister with a guy selling cocaine, but I didn't want to believe him."

Even he still strokes his cheek but bends over to look at him.

"Jonas, is?"

Isak smiles.

''My best friend. My bullshit companion. He's the only one who really knows everything that goes on at home with my family. He tried to be there for me before I came here, but I couldn't get better, even for him."

Even nods his head as he hugs him.

''Why doesn't he come and see you here?"

Isak shrugs his shoulders.

''He's not allowed, I guess. At first they told me that if I ate, I could see him. And then they put him on the phone anyway, but I couldn't listen to him. Last time I saw him, he burst into tears looking at me. I don't want him to see me like this."

Even sighed and kissed his forehead.

''Maybe he wishes he could see you, you know. To know that you're still there. Maybe he just wants to be there for you."

Isak looks at him and straightens up, leaving his embrace, finding Even rather hypocritical all of a sudden.

''What about you? Why do you refuse to see your parents? What about your girlfriend?"

Even gets out of bed to sit down in front of lsak, taking his hands in his own.

''So already, as I said, she's not my girlfriend anymore. I broke up with her three weeks ago. She blamed it on an episode and thinks I'll come back to her when I get better, but I won't, Isak. Ok?''

Isak nods his head and Even puts his hands on his cheeks and then bends over to kiss her forehead.

''I wouldn't kiss you because I'm not sure if taking your breath away while your probe's working is a good idea, but I want you to know I really want to.''

Isak raises an eyebrow.

''Cut me off from my breath? That's all? You seem pretty sure of yourself."

Even smiles, and this time he smiles so much that lsak sees his sharp teeth. His eyes look stretched out like almonds and lsak can only smile back at him.

''You, you take my breath away, Isak.''

Isak feels his cheeks get all red but Even lowers his head, losing his smile and takes his hands in his own.

''I don't want to see my parents because I know they're disappointed. I know they were afraid for me and they don't want to believe''

"Even!"

Isak jumps at the same time as Even and watches a couple go into their room.

''I said I don't want to see you.'' grunts Even.

Isak watches the woman walk slowly forward. She looks so much like Even that there's no doubt it's his mother.

''I needed to see you, Even. We're not angry. We just want to help you."

Even shakes Isak's head and shakes his hand a little harder.

''Give me some time, I'm not ready.''

But his mother comes over to him and puts her hand on Even's shoulder.

''Even, I don't like knowing you're alone.''

Even pushes his hand away violently.

''I'm not alone, Mom. I have Isak. He helps me a lot."

The woman looks at Isak with a sorry smile while the man walks up to Even and looks at their joined hands.

''You can't help someone else when you can't help yourself, Even.''

''That's not true.'' Even protests, standing between his father and lsak, as if to protect lsak. ''We help each other.''

The man pushes Even to his bed and turns around to look at Isak.

''I'm really sorry. My son is really too intense when he's not well. I'll have him moved to another room."

Isak shakes his head.

''No. He's really helping me.''

His mum puts her hand on Even's shoulder while his dad sighs.

"Even, you have to concentrate on your healing and"

Even straightens up immediately and stands up to face his father.

''I'll never be healed, Dad. I'm bipolar, that's what I am. I can't heal. I might get better, but I'll never fucking heal!"

''So what?'' asks his angry dad, ''Are we just gonna have to let you do what you want and hope you don't try to kill yourself again?''

Isak feels his breathing getting blocked. Even trying to kill himself? Is that why he's here? His heart even beats so loudly that he can hear it in his ears. He can't stay here. He just can't deal with it here. The image of Chernobyl is coming back to him and he can't ignore it anymore. He's got to get out of the fucking room. He gets up and walks to the door, but the gastric tube's holding him back,

"Isak."

He tries to rip the tube out, but the pain in his stomach stops him as he releases an inhuman sound. Even grabs his hands and holds it along his body to stop him.

''Get the fuck off me!''

Isak doesn't want Even to touch him. He doesn't want to look at him. He doesn't want to get attached to him. He can't get attached to him knowing he might abandon him, too. 

''No, lsak. I'm sorry. I'm really sorry."

Even holds him tight, even when the paramedics called by his parents come running.

''Even lets him go, now we've got him.''

Even squeezes Isak's hands a little tighter and Isak looks up to see him. He expects to see anger, but all he sees is sadness.

"I don't want to let you go, lsak."

Isak knows he's not only talking about this touch. He understands what Even means : I don't want to lose you. But it's too hard. It's too much to handle. So lsak closes his eyes.

"Let go of me, Even."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> 🤯 😢


	6. When every minute counts

Even let him go slowly and Isak falls back sitting on his bed. The nurses put him back in his bed and ask him to wait for the doctor. He turns to the window and closes his eyes. He feels like crying but he can't do it. He feels like he's broken. 

"Isak, please."

Isak hears Even's parents take him out of the room and he can't even stop them because he's completely overwhelmed. The guilt suffocates him. 

He hasn't felt anything for weeks, but now he feels a fucking pain in his heart when he thinks about Even and it makes him want to vomit. He tries to think about something else but all his thoughts go back to their kiss. He felt so good when he kissed Even. He hasn't felt that way in weeks. He should never have felt that, he should only feel pain.

He turns to Even's bed, but it's empty. And Isak feels abandoned, even though he's the one who let him go. 

"Isak."

Isak looks at the doctor who pushes open the door of the room with a sorry look on his face. He walks up to him and swings it open before sighing.

"I'm sorry, lsak. Your gastric tube is no longer in place, so I'll have to remove it and we'll have to put another one in."

lsak remembers the pain he felt when we put it in him. He doesn't want that. He'd rather die. And then he thinks of his mother. She needs him. He promised her he'd get better. So he nods and closes his eyes with tears as the doctor removes the tube. After that, his stomach hurts, his throat burns and he feels like vomiting. In reality, he wants to die to stop the pain.

He gets up in front of the doctor's worried gaze and struggles to get to the bathroom. He has pain everywhere. Yesterday he tried too hard to go see his mother, even though he doesn't regret it at all. He looks at himself in the mirror and starts to cry. He's not dead, he's in enough pain to know it, but he looks like he's dead. He pinches himself where Even did a few minutes earlier and bursts into tears. The doctor opens the door immediately and takes him back to his bed.

''Try to sleep, lsak. Get some rest."

''Even?''

It's only a murmur and Isak wonders if the doctor heard it.

''Don't worry. He's going to be changed rooms."

Isak starts crying again. He can't even say what he wants. He doesn't want to get attached to Even, but he doesn't want him away from him. He doesn't want to feel anything anymore, but he doesn't want to forget how Even makes him feel.

''Try to sleep, Isak. I'll be back tonight before dinnertime for your new tube."

lsak sighs and closes his eyes, trying to wipe away his tears which continue to flow. He falls into a horrible sleep, filled with nightmares. He can't even tell if it lasts 15 minutes or 3 hours before a door slamming wakes him up.

"Isak!"

His father's voice startled him and he cried before even looking at him.

''Damn Isak! What are you playing at?! Do you think I need the hospital to call me to tell me you managed to run away in the night to get into your mother's room? You think this is easy for me, Isak?! I have to handle everything by myself. Why don't I have a son I can count on? If you were a man, you'd stand by me and help me. But you've always been a weakling, lsak."

"Stop it! Shut up!!'' Isak shouts between sobs.

His father grabs his shoulders and shakes him.

"You, stop it, Isak! Pull yourself together and grow up! Open your eyes, Isak, Lea would never have gotten into such a state for you. If only you had died in her place, we"

Isak feels his father letting go of his shoulders and opens his eyes just in time to see Even pull him back and push him violently against the wall of their bedroom.

Even's father immediately rushes to his son while his mother helps Isak's father get up. Even pushes his father away before wrapping Isak in his arms. Isak has never felt so small as at this moment. Even surrounds him with his whole body, and Isak huddles up against him, without stopping crying, while all the adults start shouting at Even.

''Stop!'' shouts the doctor ''All the parents, get out of here! Right away!"

Isak lets out a sigh of relief and Even kisses him gently on the forehead.

"It's all right, Isak, I'm here. I'm really sorry, Issy, I wanted to tell you. I swear it's not''

''Even, please let him go. Now.'' asks the doctor carefully.

Isak holds on to Even's sweater and squeezes it as tight as he can.

''Don't ever let go of me again, Even. Please. Never"

Even nods his head and doesn't move.

''Even, you have to let him go, please.'' Repeats the doctor.

Even keeps stroking lsak's back and he's still crying.

''Let me help him, please. Leave us. He needs time."

He's resting his head against lsak's.

"Don't listen to him, Issy, he's an asshole. Your sister would have been devastated by your loss. She would have given her life for yours, I'm sure. I would give my life for yours. Don't listen to him."

Isak hugs Even harder against him, sobbing.

''I'm sorry, Even. I shouldn't have done it... I don't want to... I don't know how... I am."'

''Shh...it's all right, I'm here. Let's just take it slow, okay?"

Isak nods his head and wipes his eyes.

''OK.'' Even says quietly, raising his head to look at the doctor. ''We're going to go one minute at a time, Ok? We live each minute without thinking about the next."

Isak nods his head, still buried against Even's chest.

''This minute, I'm holding you against me.''

Isak listens to Even's heart beating more softly than at the beginning. Even's breathing is calm, and Isak realises that his is calm too.

''The next minute, I'll let you go, Isak, but I'll stay beside you, Ok?''

Isak nods his head and lets go of Even's shirt. Even's shirt slowly moves backwards, smiling at him.

''It's all right, Isak. He won't come to see you anymore, right?"

Isak raises his head to the doctor who seems lost.

''It's his father, Even, we can't.''

Even immediately stands up and faces the doctor, his face red with anger.

''His father has just told him that he wished he was the one who died! The other day he told him to stop acting like a child. He's an asshole who wants to make him feel guilty and doesn't help him. How do you want to help lsak if his father can come and destroy him? He's already destroyed his sister enough! He's a monster!"

Isak starts crying again, but the doctor gently pushes Even to be able to come to him.

"Is it true, Isak?"

Isak nods and sniffs.

"Yes. Please don't let him come near me."

The doctor nods. 

"I'll take care of it, lsak. Even, I guess I'll tell your parents to leave."

Even nods silently.

''Okay. I'll be back to see you in five minutes.''

As soon as the doctor comes through the door, lsak lies down in his bed, turned on his side. All this has completely exhausted him.

''Come, please.''

His voice is weak, but Even smiles at him and lies down beside him, putting an arm around Isak's waist.

''I'm sorry, Even.''

Even shakes his head, tears running down his cheeks.

''No, lsak. I know you think you can't hold on to me, that I might abandon you, but I swear I don't want to abandon you. I didn't want to die, you know. I wanted my brain to stop, so I took too many pills all at once. Everybody thinks I wanted to die, but I swear I didn't. And now I want to get better for you, lsak. I swear I'll get better."

Isak nods his head, wiping away Even's tears.

''I don't know how to get better, Even.''

Even strokes his cheek with his thumb.

''We'll do it minute by minute, just the two of us, okay? We'll get better together."

Isak nods tremblingly and he repeats "Minute by minute''

''Can I kiss you next minute?'' asks Even softly.

Isak puts his hand on the back of Even's neck and pulls him towards him. He feels a few tears flowing when Even's lips touch his own, but it doesn't matter. The kiss tastes like salt, because of all the tears they shed, but it doesn't matter. 

Nothing matters anymore. 

He feels it. It's weak and light, but it's there.

He's alive. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay... so, sorry in advance, but there won't be a chapter tomorrow. I'm going on a two-day canoe trip with my best friend, leaving children and husband at home... I'll try to post Friday, when I get back at home.


	7. When you move forward minute by minute

"Oh god, boys."

Even jumped out of bed and fell to the ground as Isak felt his cheeks turn scarlet red.

''So that's why Even is helping you make so much progress.'' sighs the doctor. ''I don't even know if I should leave you in the same room or keep you apart.''

"No!" shouts Isak before coughing. 

Even he immediately strokes his back, bringing his glass of water to him.

"lsak, I"

''No. Please, I need him. Lea was right, guardian angels do exist, and I believe Even is mine. I need him."

The doctor looks at Even and then at Isak again, raising an eyebrow.

''It's a lot of pressure for Even, Isak.''

''Isak is mine guardian angel, too.'' says Even with a smile ''Leave us together, let's not mess around together.''

''Apart from walking around upstairs in the middle of the night.'' 

Even raises his eyes to the sky while taking Isak's hand in his.

"Isak had to see his mother! We haven't done anything wrong."

The doctor shakes his head.

"I don't know. I think it would be better if you changed rooms, Even and"

"What if I eat?" Isak asks "Let's make another deal. As long as I eat a little, Even stays."

The doctor raises an eyebrow.

''Really, Isak? No scam, I'd stay here to make sure Even doesn't eat instead of you."

Isak nods his head, already feeling a huge lump in his throat.

"Promise."

The doctor nods softly, and moves closer to him.

"What do you want to eat, lsak?"

Isak shrugs his shoulders. 

''I don't know, I don't care. Whatever you want."

The doctor leaves the room visibly unconvinced but returns less than two minutes later with a small tray of yoghurt, applesauce and a bun, which he places in front of lsak.

Isak sighs but opens the yoghurt. He fills the spoon but immediately puts it back in the yoghurt.

''I can't.''

He looks at Even who's sitting on the edge of the bed next to him.

''Fucking hell, that's fucked up. I'm sorry, I swear I want to do it. I want to get better. I don't want you to move.''

Even puts his arm around his shoulders and gently strokes his cheek with his thumb, kissing his hair.

''You're going to make it, lsak. If not this minute, maybe next. One day we'll be outside and we'll both go to a restaurant. You'll order fries, and I swear, when I reach out for them, you'll hit me on the top of the hand and make big eyes at me. But since I'm gonna give you a puppy dog look, eventually you'll let me get one."

Isak chuckles and closes his eyes, resting his head against Even, completely forgetting the doctor's presence, now sitting on a chair.

''As soon as we get out of here,'' continues Even ''I'll invite you to my place. Just the two of us. And I'll make you my speciality: cheese toast with cardamom."

"Cardamom." Isak repeats, laughing, with a funny accent. "It sounds terrible."

Even nods his head and then grabs the bread and puts it in Isak's hand.

''I swear you'll like it. But in order for that minute to happen in a little while, you must eat a little this minute, Issy.''

Isak nods his head and sighs. He keeps his eyes closed but brings the bread to his mouth. He bites a tiny piece and chews it, with his head still on Even.

''One day we'll go to the cinema and to make sure you don't fall asleep, I'll buy a huge bucket of popcorn. I guess if you eat, you can't fall asleep, right?"

Isak mumbles, trying to imagine himself at the movies with Even, far away from here. He holds the bread to his mouth but stops before he bites into it. His eyes are always closed, it's easier not to see anything and to imagine himself far, far away from here with Even.

''What kind of movie are we going to see?'' he asks before he bites into the bread.

Even kisses the top of his head.

''A love film, of course. Just so I can kiss you whenever I feel like it.''

Even bends over to kiss him on the top of the cheek. And Even goes on for long minutes telling him all about what they're going to do when they're out.

''Isak, I'm really amazed.''

The doctor's voice startled lsak. He'd forgotten all about it. He looks at his hand, where there's only a tiny piece of bread left.

''Do you think you could eat some applesauce?'' asks the doctor as he moves closer to him. 

Isak sighs, but straightens up to sit down.

"Even stays in this room?''

The doctor nods.

''Yes. If you don't do anything stupid, yes. No more walks at night.''

Isak nods with a smile and eats half of his applesauce before snuggling again with Even, who kisses him on the head and congratulates him.

''Okay. At lunchtime, I want to see the two of you in the dining room. Even, I guess now you'll agree to go?''

Even nods his head and Isak turns around to look at him. 

''Maybe I refused to eat in the dining room so I wouldn't leave you alone.''

Isak tightens up against him and closes his eyes.

''Thanks.'' 

They spend the rest of the morning in each other's arms, until a nurse comes to call them to eat. Isak feels panicky when he walks through the bedroom door. What if he can't make it? What if everyone is watching him? What if he panics?

''Hey, it's all right, Ok?'' says Even softly, holding his hand. ''We'll go together and if it's too hard for you, we'll go home.''

Isak doesn't know if he likes that Even calls their room : _home_ , we do if it's really sad. In the end, there are only six other patients in the dining room, and no one takes care of them. Isak sighs as he looks at his tray.

''To our first meal together as lovers.'' says Even as he raises his glass to toast with Isak.

Isak rolls his eyes but raises his glass to hit it against Even's. And that's when he realises what Even just said. Lovers. Isak's cheeks turn red and Even passes his finger over them.

''You're so cute, Issy.''

Even looks at him smiling and picks a tomato. Isak imitates him but he feels like he is taking too long to eat. As if he had to chew ten times longer than Even. He looks at Even's empty tray and then at his own and sighs.

''Hey, don't worry, we got plenty of time. I'll always be waiting for you, Isak. And then look at the smile on the nurse's face as she looks at you. We're all really proud of you."

When the doctor comes back to their room in the late afternoon, and they're in each other's arms, he doesn't say anything. He suggests Isak not to put him a new gastric tube, but just give him IV supplements.

They spend the next two days in each other's arms talking, crying, or kissing, between their various medical appointments and meals. When Even gets sad one afternoon, Isak goes to steal the nurses' radio and spends half an hour finding a Gabrielle'songs. Even cries and smiles at the same time and Isak understands him. It's sometimes hard for him too. 

They're lying in each other's arms, kissing softly on Even's bed when the door to their room opens wide before slamming. Isak straightens up immediately, his eyes wide open in surprise, and anxiety is immediately visible on his face. 

He didn't expect to be surprised like this, and now he doesn't know if he's ready to see him.


	8. When life goes on

Isak almost jumps out of Even's bed. Jonas looks at him then looks at Even and comes back to Isak.

''Can I...Can I give you a hug, lsak?"

Isak nods and Jonas rushes to take him up against him.

''Damn, bro, I missed you so fucking much.''

"Jonas, you"

Their bedroom door opens and a security guard walks in, obviously angry. Jonas jumps directly on the bathroom door, probably to hide in it, but it's locked.

''I told you he's not allowed to have visitors. The doctor hasn't given his permission, you have to leave."

Even gets up and stands between the guy and Jonas.

''Go ask the doctor, I'm sure he'll agree. Isak has made enough progress to deserve it."

The security guy shakes his head.

''It doesn't work like that, I've got to get him out and''

The emergency bell rings in the room and Isak sees the switch in Even's hand. A nurse comes running in and Isak immediately smiles because Catherine is really the nicest nurse.

''This guy wants to force Isak's best friend to leave because he doesn't have the doctor's permission to visit. I'm sure he has the right now, can you help us, please."

The nurse looks at Even, frowning and turns off the doorbell. 

''Even, this is not an emergency!''

"Yes, it is! Isak hasn't seen him for weeks. I think he's entitled to see him for more than 30 seconds!"

The nurse looks at lsak and then at Jonas.

"Sorry, I couldn't take it anymore. I come here every Saturday and I'm always forbidden to see him. I snuck in because I needed to see him. Isak's like my brother."

"Isak, is that Ok for you?" the nurse asks, smiling.

Isak nods his head vigorously.

''Yes, please. Let him stay."

The nurse nods her head and signals to the security guy to come out.

''I'll take care of them, I'll check with his doctor. Sorry about that."

The door closes and Jonas takes Isak back in his arms.

''I fucking missed you.''

Then he breaks away from lsak and reaches out his fist to Even.

"Thanks a lot, man."

Even bumps his fist against his own.

''You're welcome. Thank you for coming. Isak keeps telling me about you, I'm so happy to finally put a face to your name. My name is Even."

Jonas nods his head and lsak takes a gentle breath.

"Even is my boyfriend."

Jonas nods and smiles while Even smiles so much his smile lights up the room.

"I thought I saw that. Cool."

Isak nods as he sits on his bed, and Jonas imitates him.

"Why is the bathroom locked? I thought I'd hide in there in my not-so-elaborate plan."

Isak sighs, losing his smile.

''They're afraid I'll make myself sick. Since I'm eating again, they're locking the bathroom. But I don't, you know. I'm not really anorexic. I was just in too much pain to eat."

Jonas nods and strokes lsak's cheek.

"And now, how are you?"

"I'm better. I'm..." He swallows and feels the tears rising. "I'll get better."

Jonas puts his hand on his and grabs his chin to force him to raise his head.

''And we're all gonna be there for you, okay? Watch."

Jonas pulls out his phone and shows videos and Magnus, Mahdi, Vilde, Noora, Sana and even Eskild, each sending Isak a message. 

At the end of the third message, Isak bursts into tears and signals Even to come to him. He looks at all the other messages, huddles in Even's arms while Jonah looks at them with a smile.

''I'm sorry, babe, I'm going to have to go to my appointment.'' Even says, kissing his forehead, ''See you later. Jonas, see you soon."

Jonas greets Even as he comes out of the room before turning to Isak. 

"Do you want to talk about him?"

Isak shrugs his shoulders.

''He's incredible. I don't know if I would have made it back up without him. He helped me sneak out in the middle of the night so I could see my mother before she transferred. It still hurts, you know. When I think about Lea, I feel like I'm gonna die. But I have to think about my mother and then there's Even. I want to get out of here and live a real lovers life outside. He's made a long list of all the things we're gonna do once we get out of here, and I really want that to happen someday."

Jonas is nodding his head.

''Of course it's gonna happen and we're all here for you, Isak. You know your father left Oslo?"

Isak nods his head.

"Noora saw with him, when you get out of here, you have a place in the flatshare. Eskild will be even happier when he finds out you're gay."

Isak sighs. He really wasn't going to tell his friends.

''Hey! Who cares, okay? How long have you known?"

Isak sighs again with a shrug.

''I've always known, I think. I didn't really want to admit it to myself, and then Lea told me she knew. With her, it was easy to talk about it."

Jonas nods his head.

''You didn't have to tell us if you weren't ready, you know. And then you can choose who you want to tell. If you want me to tell them first, I would, but it's your choice. Anyway, Even seems to care a lot about you. The guys are gonna freak when they see how much he seems to love you."

Isak smiles and nods.

''Yeah. I can't imagine that, you know."

"What?"

''Me, out of here. Just being with you. No nurses, no doctors, no Even all the time with me. I can't imagine once we're out there, we'll still be so close, even though I really hope we are."

''I hope so, too. It's good to see you smiling, lsak."

After that, they call Magnus and Mahdi visually and even if Isak cries a little, he's happy. At 5pm, Jonas has to leave but he promises to come back in a week. Before leaving, he puts a letter in Isak's hand.

''I went to help your father empty your house with the guys. We brought your things back to the flatshare. Vilde and Norra took care of Lea's room with your aunt. And Vilde found this. We didn't read it. I don't know if I'm doing the right thing giving it to you or not, but"

Isak looks at the envelope where a simple _"Isak"_ is written on it, and he immediately recognizes Lea's handwriting. He can't help but think it's a farewell letter. He's not ready for that. So he puts it down on his pillow and takes Jonas in his arms one last time before he leaves.

''Thank you for coming, Jonas. I missed you, too."

When he comes back to their room, Even looks devastated and Isak immediately notices he's been crying. He jumps out of bed and rushes towards him. Even hugs him and starts sobbing.

''What's wrong, Even? What's happened?"

Even hugs him a little tighter.

''I'm going out tomorrow.''

And he bursts out crying. Isak steps back slowly, stroking his cheek and wiping his eyes.

''Damn, Even, that's good news. It means your treatment is working and you're getting better. You're obviously better anyway, you haven't hit the ceiling for days singing Gabrielle."

Even nods, but hugs Isak.

"I don't want to leave you, lsak."

Isak nods and pulls him to his bed where they both lie down.

''I'm going out too, Even, one day. I promise you that even if you're gone, I'll do everything I can to get out of here. My friends convinced my dad to let me live in a flatshare. I'm just gonna take a little longer than you to get out of here, but we can meet outside and do whatever you have planned for us, if you still want us to."

Even's lips immediately land on Isak's and Even's hand goes up into lsak's hair while lsak's goes down into Even's back. Even ends up breaking the kiss, panting and placing his forehead against Isak's forehead.

''I'll come every day, I''

Isak shakes his head.

''No. I don't want you here, Even. You're going to live your life outside. And when I get out, we'll meet again. But I don't want you to spend your time locked up in here with me. You're going to watch Baz's movies, you're going to listen to music, you're going to take a walk. You're going to live, Even. Don't you dare come here."

Even is about to say something, but lsak takes his lips back to his own. And he does that until the next morning when Even's parents come to pick him up. He knows it's wrong to shut Even up with kisses, but he doesn't want Even to be locked up here because of him. 

"Isak, I'll be here tomorrow."

Isak shakes his head.

''No. I told you no, Even. Enjoy your fucking freedom. I don't want you locked up in his halls because of me. I promise I'll get better, but I don't want you to come. I want you to think about yourself. Enjoy the rest of your vacation before you get locked up in high school."

Isak kisses him one last time before Even walks through the door. He wipes away a tear as he walks to his bed. He looks at the empty bed next to him and bursts into tears. 

As he passes his hands under his cushion, he feels the letter that Jonas gave him. He sits on his bed with the letter in his hands and gently opens it.


	9. When getting out of here is scary

Isak had great difficulty falling asleep. He feels lonely. Terribly lonely. He has no desire to see someone take Even's bed, but he can't stand being alone. He must have fallen asleep around 5:00 in the morning. He vaguely woke up when the nurse came to carry the breakfast tray but he was too tired to wake up. He'll eat later.

It's a kiss on the forehead that wakes him up. He jumps up and opens his eyes. Even is there, standing beside his bed and smiles at him. 

''Hello Issy, it's 10 o'clock.''

Isak stands up, rubbing his eyes.

''What are you doing here, Even? I thought we said"

Even shakes his head and pushes the lock of Isak's hair away from his forehead.

''You said, Isak. I never said that I agreed. Since I'm on holiday, I've nothing better to do than spend the day with my boyfriend."

Isak sighs as he looks up to the sky.

''You say that as if I'm a normal boyfriend. You shouldn't spend your vacation in a hospital because of me."

Even shrugs his shoulders before stroking his cheek.

''I don't care. That's exactly what I'm going to do. I told you, lsak, I'll always wait for you. Okay, now, why haven't you touched your breakfast?"

lsak looks at his tray and then smiles at Even.

''I was sleeping. I slept so badly without you."

Even sits down next to lsak and puts his arm around his shoulders.

''Me too. I really missed you.''

Isak looks up so he can kiss him, but Even stops him.

''Breakfast first. Then you'll get a congratulatory kiss."

"Only one?" Isak asks with a mischievous smile.

Even brings Isak's tray closer.

"Eat, and you'll see."

And for a few days, this became Isak's new routine. Even would come at 10 o'clock every morning, bringing a film or music with him, and they both stayed until Even was forced to leave at 6pm o'clock. When Isak went to see his doctors, Even would wait for him, lying on his bed and they would eat lunch together, and the nurses had finally provided a tray for Even to take along. 

They lived like that until August 18. 

Isak had a real twinge of heart about missing the start of the school year. Even started at a new high school, as his parents thought it was better for him. He says his school is cool, but they don't talk about it much with Isak. Isak supposes that Even doesn't want him to be sad because he has to stay in the hospital. 

Even comes every day after school. They kiss, talk and do their homework until Even has to leave. Sometimes Isak cries, but that happens less and less. Even also comes every weekend without fail. He didn't come for a week because of an episode, but Jonas came every night instead. And even if it's not the same, Isak is happy to see that they get along well enough to take turns with him. 

Nobody took Even's bed but Isak doesn't really feel alone. Jonas comes every Saturday. Sana comes every Friday night to bring Isak's classes so that he can work the following week. Last Saturday, for the first time, Jonas came back with Mahdi and Magnus. Isak was really surprised to know that they already knew Even, and they played video games for hours.

''Isak. I think you'll be able to get out."

Isak looked at the doctor and swallowed much too hard. 

''I don't know if I'm ready.''

The doctor smiles at him. He's cut his hair and doesn't look like a surfer anymore, but he's still nice.

''I think you're ready, lsak. We'd like to start slowly. You can get out of here, but you come back every other day after school to see me, talk and weigh yourself. Of course, if you feel bad and you want to, you'll be hospitalized again. Same thing if your weight goes down. But if not, I think you're ready, Isak."

lsak nods his head and goes back to his trembling room. He's been here for seven weeks. This has become his home here. He knows all the nursing staff, he knows the other patients, he's at home. And leaving this place scares him. Going back to the real world scares him. Here, it was like a bubble. A place where he had no memories of Lea. Outside, it'll be different. He'll pass through streets where he's been with her. He'll see her old friends. He's gonna see the bitches that got her into trouble. Everything will remind him of Lea and he doesn't know if he's ready for that.

And that's why when he walks through his bedroom door and his eyes meet Even's, he bursts into tears. Even rushes immediately to take him in his arms.

''Isak? What's happened?"

Isak sniffs.

''I'm going out tomorrow.''

Even steps back so he can look at him.

''That's fucking good news, Isak. I'll be there, you know. We'll do it together. Is it sure?''

Isak nods his head as he dries his tears.

''Yes. He advises me to go back to school on Monday, and I'll come here some days after school to be followed.''

Even's face gets really serious as he pulls Isak to his bed to sit on it.

''Okay. I didn't want to tell you until you went out so it wouldn't make you sad, but now that you're going out, I have to tell you.''

''Are you breaking up with me?''

Isak hates his insecure voice, and he hates the effect his question has on Even's face.

"What? Fucking no! But how can you even think that?''

Isak shrugs his shoulders.

''No, Issy. That's great news. In fact, I told you I'm going to a new high school."

lsak nods his head, trying to figure out where Even is going with this.

''Actually, I'm going to the same high school as you.''

Isak's mouth opens slightly as Even smiles. And his smile is so big that his eyes squint, just the way Isak likes it.

"What?"

"Yeah!" confirms Even, chuckling "I didn't find out until the first day of school, when I saw Jonas over there. That's how I met your friends. So in three days, we'll be able to go to school hand in hand and kiss in the halls. I mean, if you want. I mean, we can be discreet, I"

Isak shakes his head.

''Léa would say ''Fuck the others.''. I want to hold your hand, Even. I think I even need you to hold my hand."

Even hugs him.

''I'll be there, Issy. I'll always be here.'

Isak hardly sleeps at all at night. At 8 o'clock the next morning, Even and Eskild are there. Eskild is officially Isak's legal guardian and Isak still can't believe his father agreed to it. 

When he gets out of the hospital, the wind makes him shiver and he stays two minutes without moving on the hospital square. It's not the first time he's been out, of course for the last few weeks, he was allowed to go for a walk in the hospital gardens, but this time it's not the same. Even slips his hand into his own and brings it to his lips to kiss them. 

''Everything will be all right, don't worry.''

When they walk out the door of the apartment, the screams come immediately. And lsak starts crying as soon as he sees them. They're all there.

Even immediately puts an arm around his shoulders and kisses his forehead.

''Sorry. Sorry." Isak excuses himself, wiping away his tears, "I swear I'm happy. Thank you very much."

They spend all day together and lsak is fine. Even prepares cardamom toast for everyone and Isak eats it before kissing Even.

''Even better than I thought. Thank you."

The girls leave in the middle of the afternoon while the boys stay to play video games. And if Isak falls asleep on the couch while they play, no one makes any thoughts. When Even lifts him up to carry him to his new room, Isak doesn't even fully wake up. He just puts his arms around Even's neck and buries his head in his neck. 

''I love you, Even.''

Even stops and puts Isak in bed.

"I love you too, Isak."

When lsak wakes up, he feels like he's never slept so well in his life. He doesn't have to open his eyes to know that Even is next to him because he plays with his hair while gently kissing him.

''Good morning, you."

Isak opens his eyes and Even's smile makes him smile back.

''Hello.''

"How are you?"

Isak kisses him gently before hugging him.

''I'll be all right. I'm scared, you know."

Even nods his head as he continues to play with his hair.

''I know. And I know it's gonna be hard for you, but you're gonna be okay. We'll be all right as long as we're together."

Isak nods his head. He can't help but agree with that.

''I called your mother's institution. You can visit her at 2:00 pm, if you want."

Isak sits on the bed, frowning.

"How did you do it?"

"Maybe I pretended to be you." Even admits, biting his lower lip.

Isak starts giggling.

''Damn, you and your movies. You'll make spy films, you think?"

Even laughs as he kisses him all over his face.

''Maybe so. Or maybe I'll start by making a film about the boy who changed my life.''

Isak looks at him smiling.

''You'll have to introduce me to him some day.''

Even chuckles and kisses him again.

"I love you, Isak."

Isak huddles up to Even, putting his arms around his waist.

''I love you too, Even. You're the boy who changed my life.''

At 2pm, Even kisses Isak before he enters his mother's new home. 

At 4pm, Isak huddles in Even's arms, with a huge smile on his face. His mother is better. And so is he.

The next morning, at 8 o'clock, they hold hands to enter the school. Jonas, Mahdi and Magnus are right behind Isak and they join the girls who are already in the courtyard. Isak looks around, but no one seems to be looking after him. He shakes Even's hand a little harder and they walk together to their lockers. 

When the bell rings, Even kisses Isak in the middle of the corridor, as he promised. 

And Isak feels a mutlitude of butterflies in his belly. 

He is alive.

He'll be all right.


	10. When there's a happy ending even if it's not all fine

"Are you sure you want to do it, lsak?"

Isak looks at Eskild and nods. 

''Do you want me to come with you? Shouldn't you wait until Even gets better?"

Isak shakes his head.

''No. I have to do it alone, Eskild. But thank you, though. Don't worry, I'll be fine."

''Okay. I can't believe you're 18. I can't wait to celebrate, but don't worry, everyone's already been notified that we're postponing it until next week. How's your mom doing?"

Isak smiles. He spent the morning with her, and even though she was sad that Even isn't with Isak, she's fine. They spent the morning looking at old photo albums and talking about Lea, before Isak blew out the candles.

"She's fine. She's really fine. They're considering letting her go to a self-contained apartment.There would still be nurses and caregivers to look after her, but she would be more independent."

Eskild takes him in his arms and kisses his temple before letting him go. Isak puts his snapchat on his head and goes out. He walks up the avenue and decides to go on foot. He hasn't been there since the funeral. He wanted to, several times, but he was afraid he'd crack again. But today he has to do it.

The year since Lea's death has been like a roller coaster for Even and Isak. Sometimes it was Even who was no longer able to stand up, or who was messing around, and sometimes it was Isak who cried without knowing why or who simply couldn't stand to be happy anymore. He found it hard to bear all the happiness Even brought him. But they have always been there for each other, and for the last 10 months they have been looking after each other. 

Without Even, lsak would probably have been hospitalized other times, but thanks to Even's love, and his friends, Isak has been surrounded enough to overcome his grief. Of course, the sorrow is still there, but it doesn't stop Isak from breathing. It doesn't stop him from eating. It doesn't stop him from living. 

Isak looks at the church with its pink walls and pushes open the cemetery door. He has to look in the register because he can't remember where his sister is buried. He was in a state of shock when he came here. He stops in front of her grave. _Lea Valtersen - 21 June 1999 - 16 July 2016._

He takes Lea's letter out of his pocket. When he opened it the first time, the first thing he saw was the date, top left. One year ago to the day.

_June 21, 2016,_

_I found the list of things we wanted to do before we turned 30. I think you remember, we wrote it for our tenth anniversary._

_I know that our family is far from perfect and that you suffer from my bullshit and the atmosphere it brings to the family, but I really hope that we'll both to do what we wrote on that list.  
_

_I love you, bro._

_Happy Birthday._

_Your first roommate._

Isak will never know why she didn't give him their birthday. But for him, it meant she wanted to live. So her overdose was an unfortunate accident. The consequence of drugs on a girl in pain. So, of course, he still feels guilty that he didn't see his twin suffering so much, but he knows she didn't want to give him up. 

He doesn't need to unfold the list to know what's on it because he knows it by heart. He sits on his sister's grave. An old lady looks up at him, frowning, but he doesn't care. She's his sister, he does what he wants, so he talks to her about everything she's missed this year, especially about Even. 

The sun burns his skin and a light breeze makes him smile. He gets up and folds up the letter, which he keeps preciously in his pocket. He will continue to do everything they wrote on it, like adopting an animal, or parachute jumping. He'll do all of that someday, but for now, Even is waiting for him. 

He's taking the bus to Even's house. He knocks on the door and it's Even's dad who opens it with a big smile before kissing him and letting him in, wishing him a happy birthday. Isak takes off his shoes and takes his DVD out of his bag, grabs a box of tissues in the living room and go to Even's room. 

Even is a shape rolled up in his blanket, as he has been for the last 4 days. Isak puts the DVD in the player, sits down next to him and kisses his forehead.

''Isak? What are you doing there? You should be at your party."

Isak shakes his head.

''I'm exactly where I should be, babe, come here.''

Even puts his head on lsak's thighs and Isak gently strokes his hair.

''You shouldn't waste your time with me, Isak.''

Isak looks up to the sky. He's used to Even saying that when he's not feeling well. Even says it feels like he's holding him back, stopping him from moving on, but lsak knows that Even is the only reason he can move on. 

''I never waste my time when I hold you in my arms, Even. Minute by minute, Ok? And I've got exactly 188 minutes in front of me, watching Titanic and hugging you? Okay? You can't say no because it's my birthday, so I get to choose what I want to do and that's exactly what I want to do."

Even hugs Isak's waist and Isak launches the DVD by stroking his hair. Life is far from easy, but as long as they're together, they'll be fine. And neither of them will give up.

Isak bends over to kiss Even's forehead again.

"Sleep little angel, I'm watching over you. You saved me, I'll save you back."

Even sighs contentedly, holding him a little tighter.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for following this story and commenting on it. You make me want to write more. Have a good day.

**Author's Note:**

> Your comments make my day.


End file.
